It’s the WORK for ME

How often do you reflect on your life? How often do you see what you want to? And when you see what you don’t want to, as we often do, how do you respond?

I just want to be distracted. That’s an honest reflection on how I respond. It is almost as though that is my way of not even having to think about dealing with the fact that I am not getting things done. So whether it is Netflix, reading articles on Medium, planning, journaling, sleeping or engaging in any other habit or activity that is good in balance- as long as I don’t have to do what I have to but don’t want to. Basically, anything to substitute dealing with feelings or with the space between where I am and where I want to be. Procrastination, I think.

Then I have a sparkle of a moment! In that moment I am committed in my studying session. I have eaten well, cleared my environment and my phone is no where near me. I get into that flow state where I am engaging with the study material and just completing my activities with understanding. Then I get to a block. Or I get to a point where it feels too good for me, or out of my comfort zone. I feel like I need a break or I need a nap or whatever. Something familiar, I think.

Somehow in that moment, I feel that this task that is a stepping stone to getting what I want or to being where I want to be — is tedious, irrelevant and worth postponing. Sometimes I don’t even think anything negative like that. I don’t think it through. I mean, everything was going so well just a moment ago but now it feels like there’s something better. Or maybe at that point I have just had enough. It’s scary because I know that a month could pass by before I spend time like this on something that could really change my life.

Now, it could be that I am not doing what I am meant to be doing. Or that this qualification is not in line with my “purpose” (which I don’t have entirely pinned down), or any other excuse I could use to justify my actions. Let’s just say this is work. Working on myself and my future is a lot of work. Yet, on Monday I am gonna go to an office where I will work. The difference is this work right here is on me. It is for my business. It is for my benefit. It is toward my personal growth. It has not paid in the short term but in sowing, there will be reaping…

Ironic isn’t it? Just typing that makes me realize that I am more committed to a paycheck than to my own development. To think that I will be there Monday. On time. I will show up whether tired or not. I will be consistent. I will take all calls and all clients irrespective of how I feel, whether I have good or bad news about their property transfers and I will do that from 8 to 5. Possibly, with no lunch.

Yet here I am trying to escape doing the work that will pay off forever. Instead of working on me, I want to just chill and do nothing, as I did all week.

Only this time I am writing my first article on Medium. What was meant to be an escape from my study session is me jumping into fear and the unknown while doing something I actually love. Writing.

This is me refusing to listen to this me that just won’t allow myself to become everything I have the potential to be. With fear, with imperfections and flaws, with all the good and bad habits… with everything that may or may not be, I have to take a chance on me.

Anyway, I am mentally ready to get into that flow state again. This time more committed to working on myself.

Be inspired. Keep working on you.

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